Holy Crap - you broke the internet !

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The page you are looking for is unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing difficulties, or you may not have pressed the keys or mouse buttons firmly enough.

Hitting the keyboard harder has now been proven to make the Internet work faster.  In fact you may have got this error message because you did not press firmly enough.  This is also the case with mouse buttons.  New biofeedback functionality in the latest versions of Microsoft operating systems ensures that those who hit hardest get the best response

Please try the following:
  • Click the Refresh button really hard, or try again later.  If you typed the address in the Address bar, type it again but press each key much harder.
  • If response is slow, repeatedly clicking on the same button or link causes IP routers to give priority to your request.
  • Internet performance can be improved by issuing the verbal command "Come on... come on!" to your monitor.  Sophisticated sound equipment in your PC will respond to many phrases, including some mild profanity.
  • Rapid side-to-side movement of your mouse, followed by four sharp raps on your desk is known to cause Windows to re-prioritise your Internet session and allocate more CPU cycles to hardware response functions.
  • If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you wiggle your network cable where it plugs into your PC.
  • When using LCD monitors, don't forget to press the screen until it distorts the image, leaving a grey 'flare' and greasy fingerprints on the display.
  • With CRT screens a winding motion with your hand to the side of the monitor increases your PC's bus speed by at least 10%, as does knocking on the glass and calling out "Hello?''.
  • This is my old table tennis bat and ball.  A ping-pong bat is ideal for performing percussive maintenance tasks on your computer.
  • Never use the load button to close your optical drives.  Pushing the drawer in by hand overrides the rev limiter & increases read performance by at least 25%.  Also, the more 'drive not ready' messages you get the better, so keep on hitting 'retry'.
  • If you continue to have problems, contact either your Network Administrator, your company's Help Desk, your PC's manufacturer or (but only as a last resort), Microsoft's Technical Support.  They will ask for details of your configuration, the exact sequence of events leading to the problem, and the status of your software licenses.  They will then consult their extensive knowledgebase systems and fault-finding dialogues before telling you to re-boot and try again, possibly using Linux...
  • Click the Back button firmly with a slight anti-clockwise flourish to try another link.
  • Click Here to go back to the area you were in.  (Hopefully..).

And remember - this may not be the page you hoped to see, but it's not a mistake !     HTML Validator